Sunday, June 17, 2001

Father's Day

Father's Day is your chance to say or do something nice for the one man you can always count on, Dad! The guy who taught you how to ride a bike, throw a ball, or drive a car. The guy who looks forward to a nice mushy card and a tie for Father's Day. 

Yea right! I don't know about your dad, but that is not mine. My dad never taught me to ride a bike or throw a ball and he doesn't want another tie. My dad had more important lessons to offer. Lessons such as a garden hose, a power nozzle and a bedroom window are perfect tools to wake up teenagers who try to sleep in on the weekends. If you ask your kids to sweep the driveway or patio, that sweeping up dry dirt and leaves is just too easy, get it wet first to make it more challenging. If you have an attractive daughter you can get several teenage boys to volunteer to help you do just about anything. If we are not catching any fish, it is because I am not holding my mouth right. Putting small bugs on your kids hamburger while it's on the grill and then waiting for them to ask what the crunchy stuff is, can be fun for the whole family. 

He also taught me that if I did not sleep in his house on Christmas Eve that Santa would not know where to find me. This was a fun one to explain to my wife. He is the kind of dad who will wake you up at 5:30 on Christmas morning to tell you Santa had been there and if you did not get up right now he was going to play with all your stuff. If you were too slow in getting up or made the mistake of going back to sleep, he would get out your stuff and play with it. I don't think many kids had to try and beat dad to their toys on Christmas, but that's the way it was at my house. You may have guessed that my dad is not short on a sense of humor. In between teaching us how to take on the world he had quite a bit of fun giving us a hard time. I can only hope that your dad did just the same.

Happy Father's Day

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Happy Butt

My daughter Caroline and her husband Ryan as well the whole family are looking forward to the arrival of their first child in a few months.

Caroline called us this last night to inform us that the doctor had determined that she going to have a little girl. This being the case Caroline has been pushing family members to suggest names for this little bundle of joy. Anybody that knows me is well aware that this is not a question you wish to ask if you are looking for some sort of reasonable response.

While I am one of those who think that a person's name has a great influence on how they turn out, (how many great, talented people do you know named "Wilbur"?) I could not resist of offering up my suggestion and stating that my choice would come with the nick name of Happy Butt. That I would call the little girl Happy Butt and perhaps on her 12th or 13th birthday I would explain this nick name to her. Much to my dismay they have chosen to go with something else not having the foresight to allow me this well planned event. So, you want to know my choice in naming this child? It is all explained in the following joke.


Happy Butt

This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?"

"Happy Butt" she says.

"Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?"

"Happy Butt" she says again.

"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" he shouts. He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name.

"What is your name?" asks the teacher.

"Happy Butt" says the little girl.

"No, no," says the teacher. "What is your real name?"

"Happy Butt" replies the little girl.

"Shame on you for lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!"

"Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl.

"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." said the little girl.

"Your name can't be Happy Butt" says the principal. "I'm going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about your name." The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"

"Oh, that must be Gladys," says the mother.

"Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says the principal. 

The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass, what's the difference?"

Monday, June 11, 2001

A Night at the Movies

Not having anything better to do for the evening, the wife and I decided to go see a movie. 

No, that's not completely true. A few weeks ago I had told the wife that I would take her to the movies more often than the twice a year I have done in the past. My wife claims that I had offered to take her to the movies every weekend and I fear that she may have been actually listening to me in one of my more generous moods.

Whatever the details of my offer might have been it has been a few weeks since I took her to the movies and she requested that we go. So I checked the listings for the local theaters and we did not have enough time to make it to the next show but there was a later showing available. 

I like to go to the later shows as there are usually fewer people in the theater and I have better chance of getting a good seat. As it turns out, getting a good seat was not a problem. After we purchased out tickets and the required refreshments we found the correct room at our local multiplex, strolled down the aisle and realized that the entire place was empty. We had the whole place to ourselves and nobody else ever showed up. Kind of a private viewing so to speak. We are not talking about some midnight movie, this was at 9:00, and while it was nice to have my pick of seats, sitting in an empty theater is a little strange. Makes the mind wander and it crossed my mind that since we were the only ones there, that perhaps the projectionist would pause the movie for us if a bathroom break was needed?

Sunday, June 10, 2001

The Yard Sale

If you want to meet your neighbors, have a yard sale.

That is just what we did at my house this weekend, we had a yard sale. All the folks who live on our street wandered down to see what kind of junk we were trying to sell. Whole families, dogs and all showed up to poke through the strange collection of stuff piled on our yard. If everybody that came had bought something it would have been a great success, but unfortunately they did not. After all was said and done, much remained for me to carry back into the basement or shed. 

The sale was not a total loss as we did sell a car to a young couple three houses down and several of the larger items did sell. Yes I know most folks don't sell cars at a yard sale but I had a Oldsmobile that I had purchased as a backup vehicle several years ago and I no longer have a use for it. So I thought I would park it out front with a sign in the window and see if anyone expressed interest. Sure enough it was one of the first things to sell. It is however hard to bargain for top dollar when a very young couple walk up to your house pushing a baby carriage with two little ones inside and another youngster hiding behind mom while holding a small dog. They needed a car and I had an extra, you know how this works out don't you. They got a car cheap and I got more space in my driveway. All things considered, a fair trade. 

So I'm tired and sore from dragging stuff from my basement to the front yard and back again, a little sunburned and few dollars richer. The guy who bought my old speakers is blasting music loud enough to hear several houses away, my old car is parked down the street and somewhere someone is trying to figure out why that beanbag smells funny. So how was your weekend?